Okay that was more for the dramatic effect – I wake up every morning, see myself in store mirrors (not on purpose, just when I accidentally have to walk by) and… well basically every time I move I’m reminded of how unbelievably FAT I got with this last baby. And getting married again (happy apparently equals FAT), and oh well yeah sure I suppose the macaroni and cheese and tater tots as side dishes multiple times a week aren't really HELPING. Fine.
(we eat
broccoli and green beans, just not every night…)
But I don’t want to be fat anymore, so I ordered a book, and
I’m scribbling down all the good stuff out of it so I can send it back. And order this other one that sounds even better now that I ordered the first one.
Whatever – desperate times
and all that. Walk a mile in my belly
fat then judge me, okay? Okay.
So it says “Firm up
in just weeks! Lose your belly and burn fat all the time!” The promo material made it seem so wonderful:
even with a busy family, you can make time for the exercises that really work!
Normal food your whole family will love! Customizable plan to fit your schedule
and family needs! Blah blah blah, all while promising I’d be svelte by summer.
Bullarkey.
Yep, I just made that up because while it feels good to let loose with a time-honored cuss word this is a family show.
When am I going to learn that
marketing is marketing whether it comes from a trusted source or not? [strike
southern belle fainting pose here, except do not fall because there’s no one in
this house strong enough to catch me] [sigh]
So I’m already falling for the world’s second oldest
profession - sales, where did your mind go? - and I open up the book and the author, an editor for a
magazine I like and trust, - get this…
her opening line in the acknowledgements? “I didn’t realize how hard it is to
write a book.” I really hope she's
smarter about getting me in shape. Uh, apparently NOT – the last credit is a thanks to her hubby for making sure she had lots of takeout while writing the book. WHAT????? I can’t walk by a restaurant without gaining six pounds. What is this woman possibly going to know about being fat in the first place or losing the fat or hating her body? Yeah, she says that after her baby was born she lost the weight (HOW?????) but, oh, so sad… the shape of her body changed. She says she had to go up a size in clothing. Boo f hoo. (not a typo, I'm really hating this woman at this point)
But I have the book, so let’s give it a chance. Okay, so inside the book it gets a little more realistic – saying yep, you’ll lose a whopping 3-6 pounds in these first three weeks – but stick with the program, baby, and you’ll go places. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The workout schedule involves walking, (love to walk but wth is interval walking? If it involves running, jogging, skipping we’re going to need to go bra shopping). The other part of the workout is weights, and I have some hand weights, so okay.
Oh, here we go, margin notes about interval training: it means you should workout at one level then pick it up to another
level. She describes the highest level
as sprinting for a bus you realize you left your purse on. Yeah, no clue what that feels like, so I
guess we’re even – I hate fat she's never had and she's stupid enough to
leave her purse on a bus. Cool.
The grocery lists I can handle, but I don’t like the idea of
a book telling me “it’s snack time! You WANT microwaved unbuttered unsalted unleavened ghost popcorn that is completely indistinguishable in taste from the bag it comes in!” Uh, no – I might be in the mood for a spoonful of chocolate frosting. Crap, that’s not on the list. Oh yeah… that’s why I’m FAT.Where are the treats in this diet? Where's the mood food? Flipping pages quickly through diet section, if she says 'hang in there' even once the book is going back in the mail immediately... ok here we go, I just saw the word candy... Yep here it is: the grocery list for week two includes a fun sized candy bar. A. ONE. FOR THE WEEK.
Yeah, that would barely make it out of the parking lot. That's like a snack for the ride home to congratulate myself for not handcuffing one of my children to someone elses' cart and walking quickly away.
So I’m researching some other diets to jump start the weight
loss and maybe make me less dependent on my appetite and able to make
smart choices about what I eat… WAKE UP! I dozed off for a second there, sorry.
Yeah, there are no safe effective diets that do that, remember the
grapefruit/rice/vinegar diets? I even found this crazy three day chemical breakdown diet thing that was either really old or really from a foreign country: it used the
word frankfurter. A hot dog was considered a diet food. When was that? Ever?
Guilt, though, there’s maybe a motivator – show me pictures
of our soldiers in Afghanistan who don’t get to make a choice about what’s
served to them day after day. Show me
pictures of starving children in Africa…
Yeah, that stops working the second my stomach growls and I
walk into my own fairly-well stocked kitchen.
I don't take what I have for granted, I really really enjoy it. I really do. Oh, I have frozen Chinese dumplings.
They were on sale and I had a coupon. Shut up.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels? I’ve never been
thin, but I know Chinese dumplings are gooooooood. Maybe I’ll try the frankfurter
diet, there is peanut butter on toast for one of the meals. When I’m out of dumplings.
3 comments:
Why not try eating more fresh fruits and veggies, less candy (ration it...think of the soldiers), more lean meat and less of the fat stuff. And MOVE. That's what I'm doing after being inspired by my SIL and her husband, who are doing some sort of kooky membership diet plan. She's lost 45 pounds, he's lost 80. Between the two of them, they have lost what I want to weigh again. That sort of put my need to lose 20 lbs in perspective. Belly jiggle, be gone!!!
Good luck!
Yeah, I love fruit, and we do eat plenty of that. I also love weird stuff like avocado, black beans with lemon and garlic, plain tuna with just a little lemon... I actually don't eat enough quantity-wise of the stuff my kids love, like mac-n-cheese and chicken nuggets. My biggest problem is moving, like you said. I would love to get back to walking again. My SLE has really done a number on my system, and the rheumatologist said having a baby at 41 pretty much screwed up my metabolism to the point where we may have some more serious problems than just belly jiggle. But I'm working on it! Good luck to you too! :)
Well, SLE would do a number on you! Best of luck with getting things straightened out with your doctor.
I've got plantar fasciitis right now, which keeps me from walking (and probably will for a few more months) but it's treatable and will go away. Besides, in this heat, it's nice to have an excuse not to go outside! In the meantime, I'm rowing, which I love...even if I can't go very long yet. I wonder if rowing would work better for you as it's very easy on the joints and practically no impact. Of course, rowing machines are expensive (we bought ours years ago before kids!)...but some gyms have good ones!
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